I have lived in denial long enough....

So I have this defense mechanism that usually works well for me...I go to this little land, called denial and I camp out for awhile...in this case for the last 5 months. I've actually made myself quite comfortable there. But that is all coming to an end. August is half way over. In just 6 weeks I have to return to work. Originally I was suppose to go back after Labor day. I pushed it back to October. I can not delay the inevitable any longer. I have to leave Zech. And the thought is making me sick...literally. I've had stomach aches, insomnia (hence why I am posting this at 4;30am, I've been up since 1 am), and headaches for no other reason then coming to terms with leaving my baby. This. Right now. Is the worst thing I think I have ever dealt with. That's right, I said it. It's worse then all the surgeries, all the loss, all the vomiting during pregnancy. It's worse then the time I had to put my cat, Sasha, to sleep in 1999.

I know millions of women do it everyday. I know I am not the first mom who has had to succumb to childcare for their infant. I even know that some research says daycare can actually be good for a child...but that doesn't make it any better. I feel like no one understands what this is like. I feel like I am alone in my drama. I honestly do not know how I will do it...leave him...for hours a day, the majority of the week.

And before you say "but what about this?" or "what about that?"...believe me I am exploring all options to make this terrible reality not have to come to flourishen. I am applying for part time positions, I am willing to take a pay cut for a full time position if it allows for a more flexible schedule so that Nathanael I and could vary our work schedules and he could be with Zech while I am at work and vice versa, I am looking for work closer to home so that the commute time does not add additional hours away from my baby, I even applied for a job near my mother's home (now you KNOW I'm desperate if I'm willing to leave Zech with her for any extended period of time...just kidding...kind of:), I am doing everything short of selling my body on the street corner while my baby sleeps to NOT have to work as much, for as long.

What adds to all this stress is that patience is not my virtue. I want a solution and I want it now. I want what I want when I want it and that's to just stay home with Zech. It's like being told no. The universe is saying "No Norina, you can not have your way". I do not deal with being told "no" well. So I pout.

I didn't know it would be this hard. Seriously. You can go ahead and think I'm being over dramatic and maybe to some extent I am. But I promise you, thinking about going back to work and leaving him with someone, especially a stranger is so overwhelming to me. It just feels so cruel. And I don't mean for him, I mean for me! Look at this face. This is his sleepy face.



How could anyone expect me to leave him?

In a meager attempt to try and get use to this horrible idea, I did contact a few care providers, after Nathanael's encouraging, to see about leaving him just for a few hours a week right now so that he and I can get a taste of what it's going to be like to be without one another. I will use this time to study for my licensing exam. But something tells me I'll be paying someone to stay with him while I wait down the street, biting my nails and stressing that he might be crying, or miss me, or be neglected, or fall off the bed....or.... I'm going to stop because my imagination is very BIG and I can come up with some awful what ifs.

Sigh. Wish me strength. And if you got the time, some extra prayers to the Big Guy upstairs for a miracle to occur so that Norina Murphy in little ol' Highland,CA does not have to leave her baby for AS long would be much appreciated :)

Till next time,
Emo Mom