Sept. 19th...

Tomorrow I will be 8 weeks. It's an exciting yet terrifying thought. It feels like I should be having another appt soon but that's still 2 1/2 weeks off. I'm trying to pretend to be "normal" and not call my OB and make her see me just for reassurance sake. Tomorrow is also something else. It's the due date of my baby that I lost in the car accident. Don't ask me how I keep track of these dates. I just do. They're a part of me, like my right arm or the air I breath. I can't help but think she would be one tomorrow if she had lived. But then if she had, if any of them had, would this baby exist? It's a strange thought to have...imagine me with 5 kids? Or a one year old? Or a almost 3 year old? I also struggle with using the word "should" when I talk/think about her or the others. "Should" they be here? Is that wrong to say? Because actually their fate is what "should" have happened, not what I want. There is something bigger then me that dictates what "should" be. I guess I still think it because I still want it. The whole thing baffles my mind. Four other living souls have once existed inside of me. Four "people" whom I have never technically "met" yet mourn as if I knew them my whole life. I guess because I knew them their whole lives. I'm rambling now. So I'll stop. I think it's just important for me to acknowledge what was, what could have been, possibly what "should" have been, and see that life's path has me where it wants me. For this baby. For this reason. I pray this time has a different ending.